Somethings burning... oh that's just my hair.

I have no idea what i'm doing.

I'm now about 20 minutes into my second bleach kit of the evening.

I'm dying my hair blonde.

In order to dye it something else, which I shall keep secret from those who don't already know.

And I have no idea why I feel the need to make my hair this strange color.

It's something about myself I'll never understand.

But for a short moment in time, I understand all those ridiculous Everest climbers who say "because it's there".

Because I can.

My Ears Bleed

"Good Afternoon, my name is Keely, may I have your account number so that i may access your account please?"
"EH!!!! blah blah blah (insert numbers for the blah blah)"
"Thank you sir. you're current bill of $231.16 is due July 21st and your past...."
"THEN WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SHUT MY LIGHTS OFF?!!!??"
"Well sir, I was about to finish with you have a past due balance of $1432.18"
"So why do I know people that owe you $3000 dollars and they don't have THEIR lights off?"
"Perhaps because they didn't default from their payment arrangements sir (my brain starts trying to make me say things like: Because they eventually figured out to PAY their bill!... Because they didn't find a $10.00/mo. agreement too stenuous)
"WHATEVER. YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING CROOKED ASS CRIMINALS... I HEARD WHAT YOU DID IN TROY (here I must pause to remember that he means Troy, NY, not like, the trojan horse and Helen troy)"
"Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about."
"YES YOU FUCKING DO, DON'T EVEN TRY, YOU THINK I'M SOME NUMBER, SOME IDIOT... YOU THINK I'M SOME DEADBEAT JACKOFF"
(brain: say YES!) "no sir, but I don't see how yelling is helping me, help you resolve the issue of your getting your services restored."
"Oh shut the fuck up!"
(customer hangs up, after waiting at least 20 minutes on hold for this conversation)


Today, I spoke with a gentleman who told me that he needs his electric services because his wife has one lung. I'm still not sure what to think. And I shall elaborate enough to say that he clarified that she was NOT on oxygen or anything of that nature.

My job is nothing if not entertaining in hindsight.

A Simple Return

I'm here. For now. Because I feel like making a list and publishing it. And I have yet to get iruff.net up to speed.

Top 5 Things to Hate About Johnstown (with some comparisons)

1. hand guns. People here carry hand guns. Not everyone, but enough. In Somerset, people carry rifles regularly. But they are under no false assumption that it makes them cool. They keep it close because you never know when you might need to shoot something.

2. Fast food. Is never close. Cities there is a fast food joint on every corner. Somerset has 3 McDonalds locations. Yet, somehow in the Johnstown area you're almost always a 20 minute drive to the fast food you seek.

3. Traffic. And I'm well aware lots of place have traffic. But this traffic is not in places where traffic is supposed to be. It's not downtown, it's in the suburbs. And there is no explainable reason for why the traffic at 11:30am is worse than it is at 8AM.

4. You know how most cities have a good mix of good and bad neighborhoods? It's easier to get lost in residential hell here than it is in Pittsburgh for godsake.

5. Direction. Nothing is where it's supposed to be. You can follow directions so precisely, and still somehow, you don't end up where you were going.

Runner-up : the impression of some of the residence that they live in a city. Far from it. But some of these people actually act like they live in some great city with extravagant sky scrappers or something. Johnstown is simple a medium sized town, with a mall hanging out on the end.

Blogging for Lawsuits.

In Britain, a college lecturer contributed to a 'blog in which she referred to a politician (who had also expressed his views in the same 'blog) using various uncomplimentary names, including referring to him as a "Nazi". The politician found out the real name of the lecturer (she wrote under a pseudonym) via the ISP and successfully sued her for £10,000 in damages and £7,200 costs. - from an entry in Wikipedia

I wish I knew the specifics of this incident. On what grounds did he sue her? Slander? Because if so, he's missing probably TONS of publically slanderous offenders. I hate slander laws. I mean the places they should be used, they're not, so what's the point of having them. If it wasn't a slander suit I'm even more curious as to what exactly his claims were. In the end it doesn't affect me, I'm just supremely glad that I don't have a political blog. But there's always people that apparently loose their job for blogging about interactions with co-workers. Which I know, I know, publishing it on the internet is different, but I can TELL anyone I want about events that happened at work verbally in any phrasing I want. I just don't get it. Why is that such a vastly different premise. I can understand endangerment of others if you're using their full names and what-not but beyond that, I don't get it. Ack. Don't feel like thinking about it. I'm probably post something about my birthday at my full fledged site later tonight or early tomorrow. So if you have any interest in the events or the celebration of my birth (20 years ago, as of today), you should look into that. (there's also a small bulk of other blogging going on there.

What's to Miss About The Diner Nights

I haven't been to the Summit Diner, or the less purposeful but functional Eat N' Park & Dennys in so long I'm not sure when I last found myself there. But I realized today, that at the root of it all, I suppose I miss the people, but what I miss is the environment provided by places like that. When many people think of kids that hang out in diners, they think of loser, outcasts, kids dressed from head to toe in black that drone on about the possibilities of death. Granted, it's a funny image, and I'm sure in some cases still an accurate portrayal, but my experience has never been that way. I've never had some deeply meaningful conversation about death whilst sitting in any restraunt booth (correction: my mother and her breakfast pals engaged me in a horridly depressing conversation about death one morning when I was in 7th grade). With my peers, the only death related conversation I've EVER had was held whilst sitting on a couch drinking wine. It was one of the more uncomfortable conversations of my lifetime. Of course, if you count Trace's frequent insistance about impending doom as conversations related to death, I suppose I've had several more, but Trace is one of a kind, more or less.

But my point really is this. Sitting down in places like that with nothing but a drink and maybe a notebook at your side only provides you with so much to do. You almost HAVE to talk. But when you're amongst friends, there's not much small talk to be had, so why meet up. To discuss things that you give a shit about. If I call up someone to see how their doing, it's really unlikely that I'm going to end up engaged in a conversation about what thier favorite driving songs are and why. But if I meet up with them at a restraunt (but by no means for dinner), and we sit down to coffee, well that's a topic that has the potential to come up. I don't so much like pop culture in general. I mean I like music, books, movies, as much as the average person. But I'm not obesessed. But I do have an enjoyment of anaylization. I can't tell you how many albums I listened to non-stop for a month or two, and then in hindsight thought about why they stuck out to me at that point, and what might be mechanically great about a particular band or song. And I like talking about these things, I like talking about a book I've read with someone else who's read it. I like hearing how other people experience things in a different way than my own. Which is what all these conversations are really about, what a song, or a book, or a movie MEANT to each different person and why. I like thinking about those sorts of things. And I haven't really created much of an outlet for that liking as of lately, and there's a chance, fairly slim chance, but a chance that I might start to slip more of these things into my life at least once or twice a month.

Over the past several months, I really do think I've grown up really fast, and I'm still growing even faster. I'm suddenly worried about building some semblance of a career. And truly, sincerely I do like it. I know I'm going to be 20 tomorrow, and that's still young in the grand scheme of things, but I've never been one to really do things at a normal pace for my age. I've always been a little ahead or a little behind. Six months ago, I was far more worried about whether I'd brought enough cigarettes to work with me or if I should've bought another pack on my way. Or maybe I was more concerned with what the Special of the Day was at the ski lodge cafeteria and whether the pizza would be any good. But I certainly wasn't worrying about college/job training, careers or anything of the sort. Nor was I thinking of mowing lawns, and triming bushes, or vaccooming and dusting. Things that I'm sure will soon find themselves on my lists of weekly and bi-weekly things that Rob and I need to accomplish. And I think that's where we start to loose a lot of interest in the pop culture world. I mean some people never have much interest in it, some have more. I'll throw myself somewhere in the middle. But we grow up, we have substance in our lives, things that NEED to be done, tasks that are required of our living situation.

For example, five years from now, I'd like to be owning 3 to 4 dogs, do you have any idea how much time and effort goes into caring for that many animals in a fashion that I deem suitable? I'm not the kind of person that puts a kennel together and slides food and water under the gate, I believe in loving and enjoying pets, otherwise what's the point. So walks, games of fetch, obedience competitions, these things take time.

For the average person, it even adds up fast. The normal things, yardwork, housework, kids/dogs (trust me, they can take an equal amount of time and support), and a job. Well then you add in things that aren't responsibilities but that you NEED in your life. Like I'll always need time to just relax with Rob and appreciate how great it is that I have him, and how lucky I am to spend my days with him (some people call this "us time"). Then factor in family. My own family drives me crazy but as long as I live in a reasonably close area I will still need to see them and spend time with them. I never really looked at us as a close family, but it's now become very clear that we are. My sister how ever demanding and blind-sided she can be, is still my sister, and there's still those moments where I know just how great it is to have her as my sister, same goes for both my brothers. So factor in monthly time for families. Now if you're left with ANY time at all, what are the chances you're going to be able to swing pop culture discussions over coffee into your life. That's where these interests get lost. And that is kind of a little sad. Kind of like outgrowing hopscotch is sad. But you really can cling to these, I mean they can't be the center of your life like they once might have been (sure, the highlight of my day used to be going to the diner after work to BS about music and literature that don't matter in the long run), but you can still squeeze one or two of these sessions in per month, provided you still have the friends in proximity to have these rambles with.

Despite those last two sentences, my vote is still kind of hanging on whether I want to leave that part of my brain behind, or still let it slip out every so often. We'll see how I feel at a later date when I'm bothered to think about it all again.

what I've been up to the long and the short of it

here's the basics. I'll be moving shortly. As the few people that may still read this are already aware I've been living with Rob since March. We're in the process of buying a house. That's all I feel the need to elaborate here.

Continueing on... besides my usual reclusiveness for awhile there I was also unavailable to communicate (I'd say it was a two week period). Anyone following Tyler's health by reading this blog know enough for me to say that he's got issues. Well he took quite a dip there for a week or so and scared the living crap out of me. I was back and forth to Somerset daily or every other day. I was one step short of hand feeding him and bottle serving him water (thank god it didn't come to that). Things have gone back to as normal as they will be until he gets to live with me full time again. But here's the update (WARNING: if you're disgusted by normal dog functions, skip the rest of this paragraph WARNING)... he's eating food normally again, he drinking water as he should be, he now has a fan in the garage to keep him cool during the day, recently we returned Puck to his company and he seemed delighted to have his buddy back (however I can't really say the same for Puck, I think she rather enjoyed being the top pet in the house for awhile), he's pooping solid poop most of the time, he still has his ear infection but I've got a renewed sense of purpose in calling or visiting a vet and consulting them about realistic options and what the chances are that it'll help or if once again we'll just be tossing money down the drain. The bottomline diagnosis about what exactly his problem was is a combination of things, my father retired in May, since then my parents have been home only for days at a time and then off and running to somewhere else, and Tyler other than someone stopping by in the morning and evening to let him out and give him food, water, and perhaps a pat on the head, had completely distroyed his puppy-like eagerness for life. For the most part, he was collecting dust. My parents are now home for awhile, and with them and Puck around he's being kept on his toes a bit more. It was also rediculously hot which we eventually realized that at his age, the heat may get to him worse than it did when he was younger. So in the end, turns out my daring mutt was just over-heated and bored, which probably makes him better off than 60% of America in the summer time. :-p But the whole situation did have me overly worked up and I had little urge to do much besides worry about him, and run to somerset to check on him. And had even less interest in communicating with anyone that wasn't my family (and that definition includes Rob).

Now planning for the future... as far as my reclusive-ness goes. I may be emerging sometime over the next few weeks to see some of the people I do miss seeing sometimes. Although I'll be really honest, most of the time I'm content to stay holed up in the house with Rob with the occasionaly conversation with Christian, or with a visiting Becca, or with a friend online. Other than that goes, my focuses will hopefully be dispursed among these things.

• moving - with any luck we'll be able to start this sometime in the next few weeks.
• job hunting - and of course when I find a job, working at that job will take up time as well
• Tyler - and furthering my findings on what can be done about his health that is within my parents budget, and the budget they might allow me from a bond that has recently matured.
• dog website project thingy - this project doesn't even have a name yet. But I would really like to get something started for dog owners in this area to communicate on. I'm not sure of too many details yet, this is a VERY recent idea. But what I do know is that the idea is to have something available for dog owning residents of Somerset, Cambria, and maybe Westmoreland counties to converge online. And trust me I am VERY VERY aware of how much I lack the skills to impliment some of my beginning ideas, so I'm going to decide what exactly I want to do... and make realistic goals about learning the skills it will take to implement these ideas. I have high hopes.
• breeder invesigation - sometime in the semi-near future, there are plans in place for me to able to adopt a puppy (I'm shooting for next spring), but that's actually a relatively close deadline and looking into breeders, deciding what I want, and making sure I have everything I need for said puppy ready is a lot to do. Not to mention I'm very interested in getting some AKC obedience titles on whatever dog I end up getting, it's part of a plan to build some credentials for the dog training career I hope to have. Not to mention I think AKC obedience trials sound like fun. And of course, if I can find the means, there's always agility. All of this requires some travelling to nearby trials and finding out where there are kennel clubs and training groups in my area because whilst I know PLENTY about dog training, I know absolutely nothing about handler faults and such. So at best I need to find myself a mentor in the sport.

I think that pretty much covers it, but that I'm sure is going to end up being even busier than it sounds. Not to mention enjoying the hell out of life living with Rob and my dog at our new house. So spare time when it comes, will most likely be spent with the loves of my life soaking up all there is to enjoy about having a dream made into a reality.

With all that explaination at hand... I bid you all Ado, because at the moment I only took a short break from my research about the website project I mentioned. Side note: if anyone runs across an idea in their head for a good name idea for this site-to-be, let me know by way of e-mail or comments.

--- Keely

I Wish I Could Give Them Both the World.

they both deserve it.
they have both earned it in my eyes.

For those of you who may not know who I'm talking about, or don't know those I'm talking about personally... you're missing out. The only two souls in the world I've met so far that I know that my meeting them is a priveledge of ages. Human or Canine, they both have somehow made my day every day... they've made my year(s)... they've made my life.

One will never read this. The other might.
Thank you both.

an idiot of a music teacher.. but wait...

Say what could be said about Mrs. Stack... she's an idiot.. she's rude.. she's egotistical, hypocritical and.... well I'd say talent-less but I'm sure she has musical talent... but her ego would never let her prove it... anyway... say what should be said... but the woman directed great musicals. I read a blog note from a kid who was participating in this past year's musical at the high school... and he made a reference to hoping it went well but he knows it'll never be as good as last year's. I remember being in jr. high and watching awestruck at the musicals that were being constructed... since 2003 the musicals and senior class plays at somerset high school have been little more than a joke. I mean it's nice kids still like them and get involved in them... but I don't know I feel like these kids don't know they're kidding themselves and that they're being let down ... it's not their fault.. it's the material.. and it's directors who just don't know what in the world they are doing. Eh. what do I care right? I graduated last year. But it's still just I don't know... tiring to see the quality of what's supposed to be the "fun" of high school burning out... especially I guess when i thought it had already burnt and died before I graduated.

those golden days... pfft! F-off!

so every so often i go check my myspace account to see if I've gotten any messages of any interest... and today i discovered that myspace apparently has a new fad and that being these slideshows that people put pictures in and with commentary. My graduating class has all these pictures and cheesy commentary about their super friendships and all these graduation picture. It's either jealousy or a broader perspective that makes me want to vomit.

What do I remember about my graduation?? Hmmm. I remember Tracy giving me a hug and crying on me. I remember being elated that it was all just over. I remember while waiting in the gym for the ceremony someone I'd always counted amongst my best friends telling me to go away and that I didn't deserve to be there. I remember standing in the gym leaning against the folded bleacher by myself for I'd guess a half hour before slipping outside to my usual cigarette corner. I remember mingling very briefly and saying hi to come people that i barely knew. I remember being dragged out into the hall for a picture with some people that hadn't talked to me in two months. I remember some of my fellow yearbook staff members congradulating me on getting all my graduation issues worked out. And that's about it. I remember sitting in chair, idly listening to some complete bullshit (mostly) and then I remember hugging my parents going to my car, changing clothes and heading to the diner where I chain smoked my night away. I don't remember distinctly if I went anywhere else that night, I might have joined the boys at Beckner's land for awhile, but it's hard to say. Either way... graduation is a blur and was more of a Kodak moment for my grandma than anything else.

I have no photographs and me and my friends in our cap and gowns smiling pretty for the camera and clinging each other's shoulders like we'll never forget one another. And for some reason... I'm glad I don't... because every one of those pictures I see... seems like it's just that... it's just a picture.. and little else. I could be wrong. But most of the pictures in my photo album... my friends, and family, look alive. Those graduation and prom pictures... look like something in those pre-prom drunk driving ads on TV. Ghosts and nothing else.

To: Keely From: Your Tyler-puppy.

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME
Author Unknown

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
The sun will rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
Remembering how I'd lay my head
In your lap that special way.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me.
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And petted me with her hand.
She said my place was ready,
In Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But, as I turned to heel away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I never thought
That I would have to die.
I had so much to live for,
So many sits and downs to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought about our lives together,
I know you must be sad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

Remember how I'd nudge your hand,
And poke you with my nose?
The frisbee I would gladly chase,
The bad guy, I'd "bark and hold".

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile,
I'd wag my tail and kiss you,
Just so I could see you smile.

But, then I fully realized,
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Will take the place of me.
And when I thought of treats and toys,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My dog-heart filled with sorrow.

But then I walked through Heaven's gate,
And felt so much at home;
As God looked down and smiled at me,
From His beautiful golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity,
And now we welcome you,
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
For you see, each days's the same day,
There's no longing for the past.
Now you have been so faithful,
So trusting, loyal and true;
Though there were times you did things,
You knew you shouldn't do.

But good dogs are forgiven,
And now at last you're free;
So won't you sit here by my side,
And wait right here with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart

A Beagle Called It.

There's a disclaimer that goes with the following post and it's this. You have every right to disagree with the way my psyche functions, but it's just how it is. Like my opinion on capital punishment this is more of an unwavering personality trait.

A few weeks ago Rob and I in passing agreed that animal abuse makes us feel worse for the animal than perhaps abuse on another human being would. Now I can't speak for him, but to me I think that perhaps the animal just seems more innocent. I mean yes, i feel bad for rape victims, i feel bad for the family members of murder victims, I also feel bad for decent parents that ended up raising murderers. However, even if a victim was defenseless maybe I still just feel like they're still a less innocent being to begin with. (mind you I've just considered this all in the last five minutes)... I'll take a dog as my example because well, that my biggest familiar, I know canines like I know the back of my hand. And i've walked right up to an agressive dog and managed to a)calm them down b)do so without getting a bite. I can't say that what happened in that scenario is true in all cases, i'm just saying it's not far-fetched. Now a domestic puppy is not ever born inherently evil. Aggression is not something an animal is born with, it's something certain breeds can be more easily prone to, but it's not something that's automatic. When a domestic animal aquires such behaviors it's usually got to do with one of the following reasons:
1)lack of proper training or upbringing (ESPECIALLY in a breed that has aggressive tendancies (e.g. Stanfordshire Bull Terrier aka Pitbull)
2)lack of attention or neglect
3)a developed protective nature (e.g. defending something they care for a "pack member" if you will)
4)they've been trained to do so
5)they've been abused
6)they're hungry
7)they're in pain (esp. old dogs are prone to this, in my dog personally it seems he gets snippier when anyone he doesn't see frequently or someone who mostly isn't me approaches him simply because he's unsure [anxious: see below] about whether they will know how to touch him, or as it were not pet him or scratch him somewhere that would increase the pain he's already enduring.)
8)you've pissed them off or scared them. Fear and anger are 100% definately in the canine emotion spectrum. Anxiety is a big aggression turn on in most dogs I've come across.

Now I understand that's a lot of factors. But honestly, many many dogs go through life without most of those things being triggered with any frequency. And like i said, they don't do it on their own, it's build into them by human action. Humans on the other hand after X-number of years on this planet commit numerous unnessessary and unprompted actions that result in the endangerment and hurt of others. Everyone has done it, everyone has commited some sort of sin or crime against the law or against humanity. We've all done wrong. I'm not saying that we deserve the bad things that happen to some people. I'm just saying we're perhaps more worthy of it than an animal who never so much as growled.

Now why am I raving on about this at 7 AM on a friday in a blog. Well, I was playing Final Fantasy XI and in this game I have a special ability that i can only use every 2 hours, I just used it so I needed to kill time til i could use it again for another special type of battle. So I picked up American Psycho which i've recently gotten back on track reading and plan to finish reading in the near future. In the current chapter I had just completed before writing this.... there is a very very graphically described scene in which a gay man is walking his dog outside Central Park, after the gay man makes a flirtatious comment about how good Patrick (main character) looks, Patrick proceeds to maul the man's Shar-pei to near death and then let it go to die slowly and agonizingly. He then proceeds to stab the man to death as well.

There are many scenes like this in the book. This is the second one that involved a dog. The scenes involving the brutal deaths of humans will make me slightly queezy or give me a dry awful taste in my mouth... however the brutal death of the two dogs has caused me to actually stop reading and regroup because it's just gives me the chills and makes me want to cry all at once.

Now on the same strand, currently in my back pack is a book entitled A Child Called It, which I am sure while many of the people who read this blog may not have read it, they've most likely heard of it. If not the book is part one of a three part autobiographical series (The Lost Boy, & A Man Named Dave) about a man named David who grew up in a severe child abuse situation. I have only started the book and read a little here and there on occasion. But I do have a basis of how awful and graphic this book can be. It bothers me, disturbs me, and makes my heart go out to this man's life (although now I will point out that he's grown to be a stable and functional member of society with a lot of happiness later in his life to look back upon and hey... he's a millionaire because of it... not saying that he'd rather be poor and have had a happy childhood... but it's a point to be made). Anyway.....

So basically that's why anybody who's been reading this far has endured my ramble on the abuse of animals vs. the abuse and victimizations of humans... and how i'm personally and emotionally affected by each. I guess also I can be personally internally affected by reading or hearing about animal victimization situations than i can about human situations. I can put myself more into the animal and in some cases their loving owner's shoes than I can into the shoes of a rape or mugging victim. Maybe... i'm not so sure about that last part, consider it a very passing final thought on the matter that I'd have to contemplate more to consider it's validity.

Back By Popular Demand

I used to be this mildly charming, sunny in a melancholy sort of way kind of person. With a lot of life, hopes, dreams. A very hopeful reality of sorts.

I'm back tracking. I'm sick of the personalities I've created for myself in recent times. They're not me. They'll never REALLY fit. I made them work, function. But they don't make me happy. The person I really am, is the one that makes me happy. It's never been more clear to me.

I've moved to Westmont. It's only been a day or two, and it's going so well already. I feel chipper about it.

However I will finnish this later... right now i must shower. rawr.

Jack Johson and I Have a Crooked Relationship

Looking at herself but wishing she was someone else
Because the body of the doll it don't look like hers at all

So she straps it on, she sucks it in, she throws it up, and
gives a grin
Laughing at herself because she knows she ain't that at all

All caught up in the trends
Well the truth began to bend
And the next thing you know man
There just ain't no truth left at all

Cause when the pretty girl walks
She walks so proud
And when the pretty girl laughs
Oh man, she laughs so loud

And if it ain't this then its that
As a matter of fact
She hasn't had a day to relax
Since she has lost her ability to think clearly

Well I'm an energetic hypothetic version of another person
Check out my outsides there ain't nothing in here

Well I'm a superficial, systematic, music television addict
Check out my outsides there ain't nothing in

Here comes another one, just like the other one
Looking at himself but wishing he was someone else
Because the posters on the wall they don't look like a him
And so he ties it up he tucks it in, he pulls it back and gives a grin
--- "Posters"


But don't we all, don't we just got to give a little time
Maybe give a friend a call instead of making him confused
What a terrible thing for you to do
What an awful thing for you to say
What a terrible thing for you
Confused
What a terrible thing for you to do
What an awful thing for you to say
What a terrible thing for you to relay
--- "Middle Man"


Why don't the newscasters cry when they read about people who die?
At least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes 
--- "The News"

Everyone knows what went down
Because the news was spread all over town
And fact is only what you believe
And fact and fiction work as a team
It's almost always fiction in the end
That content begins to bend
When context is never the same


And it's all relative
Even if we don't understand
And that's well understood
Especially when we don't understand
Then it's all just because
Even if we don't understand
Then lets all just believe


I was reading a book
Or maybe it was a magazine
Suggestions on where to place faith
Suggestions on what to believe
But I read somewhere
That you've got to beware
You can't believe anything you read
--- "It's All Understood"


The mark was left
Man it's never the same
Next time that you shoot
Make sure that you aim
Open windows with passing cars
A brand new night
With the same old stars
--- "Losing Hope"


Losing hope is easy
When your only friend is gone
And every time you look around
Well, it all, it all just seems to change
But hanging on is easy
When you've got a friend to call
When nothings making sense at all
You're not the only one that's afraid of change
--- "Losing Hope"

soft guitars make good moods better.

You May Be Right... I May Be Crazy ... But....

I do hope to return to my discussion of interesting characters in my life. However at the moment I must be side-tracked.

Three to Four months ago... I was a shadow of what I am now. And I can't pin point an exact change, I can center around a few things and about a hundred ideals that have flip flopped. They needed to be flip flopped. I was digging myself a hole that I was going to bury myself in someday. I'm fairly certain of it. I was operating my mind and body in a function mode that my personality was never meant to take on. It was so un-me it still strange to try and understand what I was thinking. I've back tracked. I've been of the opinion that this was a superb idea long before now. But I never had any catalyzation for it. Honestly, what I had, what I was doing, was working, it wasn't working well... but it was working.... Which granted is more than I can say from anything 8th through most of 12th grade. I actually wear a sincere smile with a new found regularity. It's not just "okay"... everything just feels good... I haven't felt this right in my own shoes since I didn't know I had shoes of my own.

I guess if you knew the tiny details that would seem odd. My two best friends are as inaccesable as ever,(side note: I do know for a fact that if I truly NEEDED them, it's only a phone call but I'm talking about just a hearing from each other basis).... the one girl that I truly completely trusted in this world, and trust me, I find it extremely hard to trust girls.... yeah well that one girl hung me out to dry with no real depth of explaination besides the fact that I've changed... which I always thought was just a part of growing up together... she's changed herself, but I neglected to point that out. And via that lost friendship I'm fairly certain I've lost another valued friend out of shere blankness. I've grown to resent a lot about my job that I once loved more than any position I could imagine having or at least at my skill level. So you know those are at least three examples.... and despite even these three that would usually keep me down for longer than necessary for anyone of the human race let alone some one of my age and luck.... I couldn't be happier. I mean loosing those people, nit-picking through the days of my job, and missing the friends that I can't always have around, these things somehow feel RIGHT. They feel like it's what supposed to be happening. My life feels like it fits. Job fits. Job resentments fit. Co-worker friendships fit. Past troubles brushed away fits. Rob (especially) fits. The timing of everything kind of sliding together seems to be good to be true, and I'm starting to learn that sometimes these things do happen. And I'm not saying I expect it be this awesome forever... I expect things to get rough and sucks sometimes again, but I don't know, I have a feeling this is something I'll be able to get back to. As long as SOME of those things just don't change I'll be able to get back tot his and on the days that I can't, the memory will be enough til it returns.

Happiness is a hard concept to swallow.
To just wake up and want to smile because it feels right to be waking up at that hour, with those same grumbles about work, with the same person on the pillow beside you smiling back. I've never had that, and I just can't get enough of it.

Life is good.

I would miss this all too much for it to go away.

I Came for Petroleum and I Left with Perspective

After a discussion with, what I believe to be a modern day philosopher, at the gas pump @ Rhodes Mini-Mart the other day, I've been thinking a lot about people. And just the vast difference of our lives. Each of us, and how little I can fathom what it's like to be some people. This leads me to pick out certain characters that stands out in my head for some reasons. People who it hits me every once in awhile just how much they are something that I'm not, or sometimes it's just me realizing and remembering things about people that just strikes me as odd. So beginning now and probably continueing in the future, I'm at a need to share some of these characters with anyone who cares to read on.

Mark Miller - I work with Mark. I would say he's somerwhere in his 50's or so. Mind you, I work at a ski/snowboard rental shop. Now Mark used to be a veteranary techinician. Which I only recently found out when discussing my dogs medical problems. This strikes me as insanely odd. If for no other reason than the fact that he just didn't seem bright enough for the line of work. But I'm starting to learn that Mark may be harboring some mad-crazy brilliance. He does have a bit of a speech impediment (which note, is by no means the reason I thought he was none too bright... I've met several people with severe severe severe speech problems that were obviously too smart for their own good). But I could never imagine this man in a classroom past his senior year in high school and even that envisionment is a stretch.

Moe Miller - Well first of all... I should say that Moe isn't really named Moe. But that's what I've always known him as. I believe his real name is Freeman which would explain why he's generally known as Moe, and Moe-y by myself. (I also have come to notice that I'm bad with one syllable names... i have a necessity with in me for them to be as close to having two syllables as possible and will attempt to verbally edit these names as i see fit). Whilst Mark has only worked at the shop with us for last season and this season Moey has been at around since as long as I have and then far longer I'm sure. Moe, after three and a half seasons of working with the guy, still leaves me baffled. Unlike Mark I'm not sure what, if anything Moe did before he worked at 7 Springs. I'm not even sure if the guy is reasonably intelligent. I know for a fact he's a pervert in a harmless sort of way. Like rearranging the boots so he can watch the stupid girls that decide to make a show out of changing into ski clothes (I've had to ask girls to please put their bra and/or shirt back on before... as well as to "keep the underwear and re-add the pants" before, no lies I swear). And Moe also enjoys calling me HotLips and opening his fleece work vest to act as if he's flashing me. Oh and I nearly forgot, I have a running list of questions that Moe is not to be asked... why? because his answer is just something I didn't need to hear him say. For example "Hey Moe-y, What's up?"
Moe : my pecker *note: this is said in a very quick passed slightly awkward voice*
There's more, but I'll spare anyone that's still reading along with me.

My favorite part of these two characters is that they're brothers. They live together, neither is married. They live in what I've heard is a nice, large house with an in-ground pool. They both pack their lunch, moe-y brings a cooler, Mark usually a paper bag or a plain colored nylon lunch box/bag thing. They always go eat together around 11 or 11:30 in the day. Oh yeah, and they're loaded. I have recently found out that these two have an assload of money. From where I'm not sure, but I believe it's an inheritance of some sort. And from what I see they spend nothing. Other than hearing of this house that they live in, they dress cleanly but just normal average joe clothing. They spend what appears to be absolutely not a dime on soda or snacks at the resort and I've never seen either one of them buy a meal ticket and from what I gather they bring their own lunch every day. I don't know, it just adds to the mystery and ponderance I've been developing involving these two.


And due to my current task of checking snow conditions and my desire to give my hands a break but still publish what I have so far rather than saving it and forgetting about it... this shall be a two part post. Enjoy Part I.

I <3 my job.

That being said. (see title) I would like to tell my whole two possibly three readers about my job. On a busy day, a weekend perhaps, I wait on customers. I size them for skis and figure out the appropriate pressure setting for their ski bindings. I also select snowboards for customers and adjust the binding settings and give brief instuction on how the snowboard binding works. Other tasks include helping the not-so-rare idiot of a customer fit or tighten their boots. This job for the last 3 seasons and this 4th season has provided me with a whole new appreciation for human stupidity. To say the least. And middle aged women for the record, are a PAIN IN THE ASS when it comes to ski boots. Note : the only customer I've actually helped today was a middle aged women with her boots. I swear if nothing else I will never half a calf three times the size of my ankle and then decide to go skiing. It will never happen.

Now Seven Springs operates one of the largest rental shops on the east coast... both in product and in volume. On weekends we're people movers, not technicians. However these days due to school kids having sports and what-not I work an average of one day per weekend. Most of my hours are put in during the week. Which means a)less tips, i used to be the highest tipped rental employee... not so much now. b)No mother fucking customers. Which means we have essentially nothing to do. So to substitute the fact that we have no real job purpose the following tasks are designated to us at random. And they are....

--- spraying the boots with disinfectant the CORRECT way
--- putting the skis in different forms of numerical order
--- rearranging the arrangement of the skis
--- organizing the highpro pit
--- various tuning tasks

The only truly useful thoughts in this list are the disinfecting of boots, which never gets down properly anyway, and the various tuning tasks which need desperately done. But depsite the lack of sharp edges or functional bases, or even waxed bases on the skis and boards... i'm going to run you through what was designated for me to do today.

I began my day by grabbing a mop and assist in the morning cleaning of the floors. We do this every morning and every night, it's stupid to do it both times so we slack off horribly in the morning as long as night shift did their job. Which usually, they do. So we hurry through that... then there's a slight 15 to 20 minutes where we can get away with doing absolutely nothing. Then I spray boots for roughly an hour and a half. During which I called Rob and woke him up, as well as called Ashlee and just left her a voicemail generally harassing her into calling me back. But my day was brighter for a little while during the mentioned tasks. I decide it is high time for a cigarette. I go out to the hall and proceed. I'm back to spraying boots for about ten minutes when Joey Dix shows up on the scene and hands me two paint markers and announces that he's to give these to me. Assuming this means something needs numbered or renumbered I go to find out EXACTLY what it is that Terry needs done (terry = supervisor). So all he really does is gives me a rough idea of what's going on and hands me a pen knife. I spent the remainding three or so hours of my shift scraping the size numbers off boots and writing a new one on them so we don't have to make up fantastical lies to our customers to explain why we don't really have whole size boots. It's far easier for them to accept the fact that we don't have half sizes that us saying we don't have whole sizes... if you can imagine. But yes, in fact, they are all half sizes. I know, I know, it was stupid. But so is the shop manager.

After 5 hours of this nonsense I decided that I was going to shoot something or someone if I kept going like this... so I asked to go home and I was told NO originally. No one has done anything except busy work all day but for some reason he didn't want to send me... after I know I had to have looked like someone had torn my heart into 3,000 pieces he rethought things and said... yeah okay, you can go. THANK FUCKING GOD.

Now remember though, depsite the fussing... I <3 my job.

Because it's not Burger King, it's not Starbucks, it's not washing dishes. And hey, if nothing else it's my industry, I'm suited for it, I know it backwards and forwards... it's a job I actually belong in. imagine that.

A Minor Incident

This afternoon, I was riding along in the jeep on my way to get pizza. And there was blinding sunlight, and a general cigarette smoke haze drifting through things and my brain was going all introspective on me. Everything turned into page one of a novel that would never be finished. A sure sign that the sinking feeling is riding into town. However a few minutes later I was sitting in a parking lot and there was this smiling face looking back at me from the drivers seat. And it was gone, it just stopped sinking. The world stopped wobbling like it does when i'm like that. I was back in my body, not sitting on the roof watching myself move and do things. That's NEVER happened before. I'm still kind of amazed at the fact that it's possible at all.

And I don't care if it ever happens again. I'd like that, but if next time I just slip into feeling bad for no reason, and nothing can stop it. That's fine. Knowing that it happened this one time would be enough to make it okay. Knowning that just this once, the mid-winter spring, and the chilly aftermath of winter trying to sneak back into the picture, and the perpetual tired, and the fact that morning feeling where my lungs tell me how much they hate me... didn't matter. And the irrational and fast oncoming feeling of general badness, just stopped. It's worth the world.

I've been smiling all fucking day.

There's nothing I could say to make you try and feel ok
And nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do
And if the chance should happen that I never see you again...

The Question of Euthanasia

For those of you that know Tyler, or have known Tyler. And for some of you, you may have known him most of his life... do the math. He's eleven. Now I'm well aware of how long a dog CAN live, but Tyler has been a running defective dog joke since about his 2nd birthday. And he is essentially defective and always has been. He's plagued by an extremely rare disease involving the group B muscles in his head and jaw. He's lived with a hypoactive thyroid for about five years now.

Now for the checklist.

Mobility - my dog still travels up and down stairs, though he rarely has to anyway. He's a little slower than he used to be, but he's allowed he's old. He's stiff in the mornings but jesus, so am I. But he doesn't hobble and when prompted he can still run a little.

Appetite/Eating - his appetite will never change. If nothing else, my dog can eat with the best of them. His jaw has been in good shape for years and he hasn't had any bouts with his disease where his jaw locks up for at least 3 or 4 years.

Breathing - While I don't know about every waking minute of the day I have no noticed any real change or difficulty in Ty's breathing. He seems to be find. When we do get the chance to go out and play he get winded a lot faster than he did when he was a puppy, but i don't have the energy i did when I was nine years old either. but on regular day to day standards, he breathes well as far as i'm aware.

Discomfort - Now, for anyone up to date, my dog has been battling a horrid ear infection for at least a year or two. We've stopped giving him antibiotics for it, the expense was getting rediculous and it just wasn't going away, there's a surgery for a couple thousand dollars that can fix the problem but at his age A) it's just not smart health wise and B) even if i had the money it would seem a bit of a waste seeing as even with it who knows how long he has left. Generally speaking he's not in unbearable pain over it, i mean i know it itches a lot, he spends a lot of time shaking his head back and forth which is a characteristic of doggy ear infections being itchy but he doesn't cry himself to sleep over it like he does when his jaw locks or when he gets his annoying stomach flus.

Incontinence - Well whilst my dog used to be the stud of being able to hold his bladder and colon. Times have changed. But he's still generally good at being able to make it outside. But now if no one lets him out, he doesn't bark and alert anyone that he has to go, he just gives up and goes in the garage. Which is getting really fucking annoying to be honest and it's hard to be sensitive about this part of the issue. But I'm sure he hates not being able to help it sometimes as much as i hate having to clean it up.

Mental Capacity - my dog is sharp as a tack. always has been. His hearing has been fucked with due to the infection, but his vision remains on a decent par while i do know he doesn't see as well as he used to... once again, neither do I. But he still responds to commands, remembers all his tricks and to a degree still enjoys his audiences when he get the chance to show off. He can still figure out the little puzzles i give him sometimes and well he's 50% border collie, he's supposed to have his wits about him. The workers of the border collie breed.. many of them herd in the field until the day they literally drop dead to the ground.

Happiness- this is the toughest one. My dog doesn't have the interest he used to in running around and playing fetch/frisbee in the backyard, and it's much harder to get him into a playful wrestling match. However the second i enter the room even if he just woke up, his tail springs to life and starts wagging and I can see the same puppy-esque sparkle in his eye. He appears bright eyed and bushy tailed and happy to see me... damn near excited sometimes. So it's hard to judge if he's really happy, because I don't see him when I'm not around, but he's always beyond delighted to see me, whether i've come with food in hand or not.

Response to Treatment - Okay so fair enough. The ear infection which started out simple was treated just as well as the other ones and it got better for awhile, and i thought it was gone, clearly it wasn't and it's returned and hasn't responded to anything yet. And that's all I have to base it on because in the last two years that's been the only new health problem that has arisen.

So from reading the checklist, he doesn't sound like he's in a condition that would necessarily be bad. Here's my worry. I'm leaving in April, I won't see Ty for six months. Or rather, he won't see me for six months. This dog goes insane when i'm gone for a weekend, let alone six months. This August I was gone for two weeks... by week two he was only eating half a bowl of food per meal and by the end of the week he'd nibble at it. He was moping around the garage and apparently snapped at both my parents when they tried to pet him, as well as did something (we don't know what) that scared the shit out of the cat and she didn't use the floor of the garage for about a week after i got back.

This all puts me in a position of not knowing what to do. It's probably impossible on my conscience to have him put down in his current state. But I also can't bear the thought of leaving him without me to get lonely, nervous and scared and crumble to pieces til he dies anyway because he stops eating. It's a huge dilemma. On one hand, he's had a good life and i'm kind of okay with the idea of him not being around much longer since his health even with me around will only hold out for another year or so, but maybe i'm wrong, maybe he's got three more years kicking in him, and then i'm going to leave him for six months and he's going to deteriorate metally so horribly that he'll only last a months or two anyway.

I am at a loss as to what i'm actually going to do, and I really wish i wasn't. I've never wanted to be able to confindently make a decision like this before. I just want the answer to be simple. I want to look at a healthy three year old dog... or a wobbly legged, asthmatic, cancer-ridden animal. Not this dottering inbetween deal that I have in front of me.

Coaxing, Death Chunks of Ice, and Metal Sticks

okay shitty title. let me enjoy.

so after exiting work today... all of my coworkers and myself decided to go out snowboarding together. After I piece by piece lost every last one of these coworkers I was out by myself for a run or so. Upon my arrival at the top of the lift shortly after however I ran into Krash and a friend from ski school that he was teaching to snowboard. For no particular reason the following conversation sprung from nowhere.

Krash : so you riding rails yet?
me (surprised at the notion that i was supposed to be trying this in the first place): uhh no, no can't say that's been in the mix.
K: well why not?
me (still semi-dumbfounded in the notion that i'd just be sliding around on these evil metal bars) : *shrug* scared maybe?
K: okay everyone we're going to the park.

Long story short, after a lot of coaxing and me trying to explain to him that he was on crack if he thought I was actually going to put myself throught the pain of learning this (metal hurts when it connects with your shins, I've learned this the hard way in the past)... I came, I slid, I landed, and in my own rough style, I conquered.

Now not that anyone besides me really cares about this, but it has made my day, possibly the rest of my week. I haven't accomplished anything new, actually i've never landed anything remotely tricky at all this season or most of last season.... so I'm beyond psyched about this feat. However, I did notice something else. Part of the reason I enjoy my time with Krash, both on and off hill is that he makes me feel extremely good about a lot of things that in most cases I'd be the only person that cared about. Riding my first rail, scoring free Poweraid on a regular basis, having the hotel over-night hook-up, first tracks on Wagner. It's a part of me that doesn't need noticed frequently but him and I seem to be in a position to be excited by similiar little things. We're extremely different people in about a thousand and two ways. But hanging around with Krash has never been less than good humored goofing off, snowboarding, and random fun... with the occasional visit of the Sci-Fi channel.

not that this description was necessary either, but I've been wondering for awhile why I spend the amount of time I do in Krash's prescence and tonight I pinned it. He makes me feel good about the accomplishments no one but me would care about otherwise. I get the most sincere praise I could imagine from a second party about the shit that would be dumb and insignificant to the bulk of the population and it's well if nothing else... it's refreshing.

Rambles and all,
Keely

It's Hard On a Girl When the Blood Won't Come...

... when it ought to come.

I'm bad at this. I never needed to know just how bad at this I am.

When I'm finished I'm done. When it all comes down I honestly will be the first to give-in. I have less of a backbone every day. This night keeps getting longer. And there are just times I wonder what the hell am I doing.

---- completing post... approx. 24 to 26 hours later.

So all of that being said. I can only try to be convincing for so long. I can only say things so many times til others just have to believe them or I'll just let it go and they'll never believe it and never understand. And granted I'm not there yet, far from it. But I've realized that someday... drunk or sober, he'll either believe me, or I'll give up. I'd prefer the first rather than the latter of the two. We'll see. But I just know how I am.

It's a reoccuring situation where I seem to find a lot of people in my life, that just don't understand how much I care. And maybe that's why Brian is hands down one of thee best friends I've got. And that's because he believes me, he understands just how much I give a shit. I care very deeply about a lot of people, most of them equally but it's so much easier on me when they just accept that I do care that much and can no longer find any reason to question it. And I understand why a lot of them don't. Because I've been there. It's hard to believe that anyone cares about you, especially when you have it in your own head that there's no reason they should. I know how that is ten fold. But that doesn't change the fact that it's just something this entire race needs to get over and just enjoy.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

That's a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. (side note: it's a great book)... now I think the quote is incomplete... I mean I love that quote, I really do. But it's missing something. We accept the love we think we deserve... AND only that. We seem to refuse to accept anything that we can't see any way we've earned or deserve. For some reason I've gotten crafty at seeing past that and just taking what i've got at it's face value. I don't know when or how that happened. But I honestly believe that this is a catagorey I've mastered an art of doing.

I'm feeling a lot better about life in general today than I was last night. It's not a perfect mood, but it'll do. However, I still am trying to see through this bit of fog that's blurred things up between myself and a few people in my life. You know these things always seem to come in groups. You know I have one issue with one person and then the same or similiar problem duplicates itself with several more. It's truely getting sad. But it makes people problems simplier to deal with it all in one set of long thought processes I suppose.

Over and out,
Keely

Would I like some Whine with my Cheese?

So I've been in a bit of a mood lately. And these things come and go. However I have been bitching for a good week to several people about something that nags me like a mother-fucker.

And I honestly think I'm in the right in saying these things as long as I don't have one of my irritated outbursts and scream them at any one particular individual because there's several involved in my problem.

I have my own life. And *gasp* there's a lot of people in it. My life is mine to live however I so choose-th. This includes hanging out with who i want to when I want to and talking to those i want to talk to when i want to talk to them. All of that pending that person wants me around or wants to talk to me. So I'm in this position. You, whom-ever you may be, might always be top priority or I just might be in the mood to be around someone else. I need that thought respected unless I am flat out rejecting you on a regular basis, than you have a right to ask me what's going on. Sometimes I like to see a friend or two of mine, on a one on one basis. I like groups, I like them a lot. But no one knows quite how long it's been since Shayne and I have gotten to have a good sit down time, EVEN in a group setting, let along the two of us having time alone. His life is equally as busy as mine has become. And that's just one example. I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS. A LOT. this is imparitive for everyone to remember. I know a lot of people, and love several of them as if they were my siblings, sometimes more than i love my actual siblings. Bare in mind, it's not a cut against you if I want to go see Brian instead of go see you. He means the world to me and we've been through our own personal hells and back together, and I NEVER get to see him anymore. Once again, that's just ONE example.

Now, on a related but different topic. It is NEVER my fault... nor is it my problem if you're bored. It is never my job to entertain you. NEVER. I get an assload of calls a week of people informing me that they're bored. Now when I'm not doing much, that's fine, we'll come be bored together. But I'm not a source of entertainment, honestly. However, if I'm at work, if i'm snowboarding, if I'm spending time with someone else and it's just not in my notion to enjoy your company as well, I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. And if i'm having Keely-time, that rule goes as well. I don't get ANY Keely time anymore and with all my duties being an emotional therapist, and having my own life / problems... I NEED Keely-time. Call someone else. I will not be swayed by whining. It'll just irritate me and make me less interested in answering your calls in the future. Boredom busting is not my business. Get a hobby, I've got several. And about my hobbies. No one , and I repeat no one is allowed to bitch at me for blowing them off in any manor to be snowboarding... why? Because I've been on the hill TWICE this season. IT's JANUARY FOR JESUS LOVIN' MOTHER FUCKING CHRISTS SAKE. So for the next few weeks I will be spending vast amount of my waking hours strapped in and that's that. I don't want any begging, complaining, fussing about needing to come home to somerset. If you want to spend time with me that bad, come up and see me, I'll teach you to ride. Otherwise, zip it.

And finally. I said I have a lot of friends. That's an underestimate this time of year. I have seasonal friends. And plenty of 'em. The number of people that my time is dispersed between doubles when the snow flies. Everyone from Craig to Krash is just as interesting and almost as important to me as the people I see during spring, summer, and fall. These people have been and are a major part of my growing up. I am who I am, mostly because of these people, they've had more effect on myself, my morality, my character, than MOST of the other people I know year round. Strange, but very true. I've known most of them since I was sixteen or seventeen and every year it's like the off-season didn't exist, we all have picked up just where we left off and it's all good again. So bear in mind, this also clutters up my schedule.

So in summary, feel free to call if you want to hang out with me / miss me / whatever. However do not call to blame me for your boredom or expect me to cure it, i'm in no mood for it especially lately. Also in summary, if I don't answer, I might be busy... if and when I get the chance i'll call you back.

And most importantly my life is mine.. not a one of anyone else runs any part of that for me. I make the final call on what I'm doing, when, and I make 50% of the decision of whom I do whatever with.

Irritably and Exhaustedly,
Kumquat
aka. Keely

And it Burns, Burns, Burns....

Love is friendship set on fire. That's one this image I ran across on my computer today. I like the way that sounds. I really do. And I feel like it's right.

So my lack of posting... I must say deals with these thoughts. The entire concept of blogging became temporarily defunct for me. I started reading other people's blogs and wondered, who in the hell does this? Who throws all this out there whether or not it shall be read. But then it occured to me, that's not why I was doing it, now was it? It was for my benefit, a place for me to feel like I was sharing something with someone. And it really didn't matter who for once... I mean knowing for a fact that someone read it and it made them think enough to comment is also a nice gesture but other than that it's kind of comforting to just make the assumption that someone out there whether they know you or not has a better understanding of how you feel about whatever the topic of the day may have been. The internet gives some pretty awesome group hugs like that.

However it's still a cold and desolate machine that I'm typing into and I'm resenting that more and more all the time. Not so much when I'm using it to contact people or even to blog. But I need a typewriter or word processor to write on. I can't take the computer type-ups all the time. Just can't do it. Frustrating to say the least.

It is high time for a cigarette and for anyone who pays attention... expect more frequent knowledge in the near future... I'm in a blogging phase. Stay tuned to see if we make it to the Season Two box set.

Actions Will ALWAYS Will Always Come from a Bullhorn

Actions speak louder than words. Most of us have heard the cliche`... do most of us agree with it. As with any opinion, it all depends on the individual.

I personally agree ten fold. Why? Because I'm a liar. I'll lie to anyone that gives me half the chance. I'll lie to them twice a day and then some. It's become so easy. Lies roll up my throat like drunken vomit. Not smooth simple path, but easy enough that I know the drill. Most won't even know I've just lied through my teeth directly to their face. I'm good at it. I'm not GOOD at a lot of things. Mediocre at best actually. But I'm good, and sometimes downright fantastic at lieing. But I can't live one. So if I say something, it's fair to question. It's what I DO that anyone who cares should pay attention to, because that's the stuff that I mean.

Now what I unfairly do to the greater population is tack my personality flaw on to them and assume the world is lieing to me. The resolve is that if you truly mean something, then follow through it, show me your money is already where your mouth is.

The other thing, is even if I'm not telling an outright lie... I talk a good game. And I'll only walk so much of the talk. That's the signal for the people I NEED to surround myself with on a regular basis, the ones that see a straight shot through my bullshit and, as with most people, there's plenty of it. I'll know if you see through it. Chances are if you're communicating to me that you see through it, you don't... you're subject to it. I had a conversation yesterday evening, extremely late, that brought this all to light for me.

I'm still formulating, I might be adding to this. At any rate, feel free to provide your own elaboration if you so choose... via comments.

for those of you that communicate with me via myspace... I copied and pasted this to there too.

--Keely

Sing...Sing a Song... Sing Out Loud

So at approximately 10 o'clock in the A.M. I decided it would be a good idea to do something I've always wondered about. Go through my mp3 collection, it's reasonably small since the last format of my computer (272 files.) and match things up. By this I mean that I realized a long time ago that mass amounts of the music I listen to I never would if it weren't for a lot of people who introduced me to it, on the other hand I came to find a lot on my own as well. So I was curious as to exactly what percentages these things worked out to. And well I probably fucked up the tallys or the math somewhere but I did it.

I used the following method. As I came across music that someone specific reccommended and introduced to me, I included their name on the list, along with a tally mark, and then continued to tally as I found more.

If I came across a band that solely one person had caused me to be interested in and I went hog wild on the downloading (this happens quite frequently) then I tallied every song by that artist to that person. Unless of course, a particular song in question was reccommended specifically by another. For example, my friend Sarah is the one who more or less induced my downloading of Green Day tracks in general, however this specific morning conversing with Jesse brought the suggestion of me downloading Wake Me Up When September Ends. Hence most green day goes to Sarah except that song of course, goes under Jesse. If you for some strange reason do care enough about these results to question them, feel free, or if you're just curious what might artists might be (or maybe not be) credited to you introducing to them that would cause you to be higher or lower on the list. Feel free to inquire on AIM or via comments. Either way... here's the results. Alphabetical order. It was just simple. Keep in mind this is based solely on my mp3 collection. This does not include my full spectrum of musical taste because then we'd have to include about 50 more people. (Yes, I know, I was THAT bored) and just a passing thought : "Oh and I would bet most of people on the list have little to no realization of what exactly caused them to make the list."

Angel - 4.41%

Brian - 12.13%

Christian - 22.06%

Emily - 3.31%

Jesse - 8.83%

Joyce - 1.11%

Keely (that's me for those who do forget I've got a non-fruitified name that my parents gave me)
- 36.76%

Paul - 2.57%

Samuel - 2.21%

Sarah - 2.21%

Trace - 1.11%

others who were on the list with a percentage lower than 1% (which means that you were credited with less than three [1 or 2] tracks.) *also in alphabetical order.

Adam S.
Alison
Dave
Liz
(the) Spitting Llamas (local band some friends were in that is now long gone)


In other news : I need a job. a fall hobby. or just some semblance of a life in general.
WARNING : This is not something you should ever allow yourself to be bored enough to sit down and figure out this kind of irrelevant detailia about your life. Trust me on this one... there are greater things out there. I feel sad for not jogging two miles instead of doing this. Okay, that's a lie, but you get the idea.

-- Kumquat (aka Keely, Kiwarg, Keelz, Kiwig, Kiwi, Kummy, Kamikaze, Skip, Bean, Keela-bird, and Kelly) -- yeah, I'm sure I forgot one somewhere in there.

I Have No Lid Upon My Head But If I Did...

My own particular brainfood, I think agrees with many others, or at least with several of my friends. And that brainfood just so happens to be cigarettes.

I don't know what it is about looking down at the tiny glowing end of that damn stick of cancerous chemicals, but there's something there. It's like the ignition my head neads to reboot.

So tonights cigarette induced thoughts lead me to actually wonder what I did to get the ball rolling upstairs before I became a certified smoker. Honestly, I don't think I can remember. But I do have some vague recollections of a lot of mac n' cheese, to the extent where I kind of gave myself an allergy. There's also a passing memory of a buttload of chocolate milk, which also has somehow become my own popular piece of lactose intolerance. Go figure. So that might have been it. It may have been an actual food.

Somewhere early 10th grade I do firmly believe that Dr. Pepper alone had the ability to send every idea my subconcious stored away smack into my concious state, but once again I have no certainty about that.

But there's no denying the effect a 5:30 AM cigarette has on my own mental capacity. It's slowly amazing me.

Which also leads me to believe that "the day I don't enjoy it anymore, is the day I'll quit." statement, to be a far more distant and future-sque day than I had originally thought. But that's a notion I had even before my most recent realization of how functional smoking has become to connecting my synapses.

Interesting, one of the things that provides me with the most lively thing I have these days, (yes, I consider in-depth thinking one of the only enriching things I've got left, besides conversation, but of course, winter is just around the corner) is caused by something that will inevitably play a surely significant role in my death. Pending of course, I don't get hit by a bus while crossing the street someday. Which by the way, is always my example about why living as day by day as possible is an important quality.

Why spend any time depriving oneself or bother sitting through irritations any more often than necessary when of course, I could get hit by a bus crossing the street to American Outfitters. And just a side note, I use that example for the simple fact that the only place I've been going with any regularity is the ol' Diner and American Outfitters is right across the street. Now why you might ask would i be crossing that street at all... well my sister used to work there, her co-workers all still do and every last one of them still remembers me, so every so once in a great while, I look up from my table and decide it's time for a reunion and I lop myself on over to bid everyone "hello" and I am indeed about due for one of those refreshing with that ever-so-slightly annoying side tinge feelings of a visit. Not that the explanation was necessary. I was just kind of on a roll with the rambling deal-eeO (yeah, what else is new?)

Ah the tricks.