every once in awhile. I have a thought. And well... being the declared fruit rather than a girl, that I am... I find it only appropriate to blog a few of those thoughts under the alias of a semi-obscure piece of fruit that of course, has become one of my ever-growing collection of nicknames.


It's Hard On a Girl When the Blood Won't Come...

... when it ought to come.

I'm bad at this. I never needed to know just how bad at this I am.

When I'm finished I'm done. When it all comes down I honestly will be the first to give-in. I have less of a backbone every day. This night keeps getting longer. And there are just times I wonder what the hell am I doing.

---- completing post... approx. 24 to 26 hours later.

So all of that being said. I can only try to be convincing for so long. I can only say things so many times til others just have to believe them or I'll just let it go and they'll never believe it and never understand. And granted I'm not there yet, far from it. But I've realized that someday... drunk or sober, he'll either believe me, or I'll give up. I'd prefer the first rather than the latter of the two. We'll see. But I just know how I am.

It's a reoccuring situation where I seem to find a lot of people in my life, that just don't understand how much I care. And maybe that's why Brian is hands down one of thee best friends I've got. And that's because he believes me, he understands just how much I give a shit. I care very deeply about a lot of people, most of them equally but it's so much easier on me when they just accept that I do care that much and can no longer find any reason to question it. And I understand why a lot of them don't. Because I've been there. It's hard to believe that anyone cares about you, especially when you have it in your own head that there's no reason they should. I know how that is ten fold. But that doesn't change the fact that it's just something this entire race needs to get over and just enjoy.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

That's a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. (side note: it's a great book)... now I think the quote is incomplete... I mean I love that quote, I really do. But it's missing something. We accept the love we think we deserve... AND only that. We seem to refuse to accept anything that we can't see any way we've earned or deserve. For some reason I've gotten crafty at seeing past that and just taking what i've got at it's face value. I don't know when or how that happened. But I honestly believe that this is a catagorey I've mastered an art of doing.

I'm feeling a lot better about life in general today than I was last night. It's not a perfect mood, but it'll do. However, I still am trying to see through this bit of fog that's blurred things up between myself and a few people in my life. You know these things always seem to come in groups. You know I have one issue with one person and then the same or similiar problem duplicates itself with several more. It's truely getting sad. But it makes people problems simplier to deal with it all in one set of long thought processes I suppose.

Over and out,


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