every once in awhile. I have a thought. And well... being the declared fruit rather than a girl, that I am... I find it only appropriate to blog a few of those thoughts under the alias of a semi-obscure piece of fruit that of course, has become one of my ever-growing collection of nicknames.


You May Be Right... I May Be Crazy ... But....

I do hope to return to my discussion of interesting characters in my life. However at the moment I must be side-tracked.

Three to Four months ago... I was a shadow of what I am now. And I can't pin point an exact change, I can center around a few things and about a hundred ideals that have flip flopped. They needed to be flip flopped. I was digging myself a hole that I was going to bury myself in someday. I'm fairly certain of it. I was operating my mind and body in a function mode that my personality was never meant to take on. It was so un-me it still strange to try and understand what I was thinking. I've back tracked. I've been of the opinion that this was a superb idea long before now. But I never had any catalyzation for it. Honestly, what I had, what I was doing, was working, it wasn't working well... but it was working.... Which granted is more than I can say from anything 8th through most of 12th grade. I actually wear a sincere smile with a new found regularity. It's not just "okay"... everything just feels good... I haven't felt this right in my own shoes since I didn't know I had shoes of my own.

I guess if you knew the tiny details that would seem odd. My two best friends are as inaccesable as ever,(side note: I do know for a fact that if I truly NEEDED them, it's only a phone call but I'm talking about just a hearing from each other basis).... the one girl that I truly completely trusted in this world, and trust me, I find it extremely hard to trust girls.... yeah well that one girl hung me out to dry with no real depth of explaination besides the fact that I've changed... which I always thought was just a part of growing up together... she's changed herself, but I neglected to point that out. And via that lost friendship I'm fairly certain I've lost another valued friend out of shere blankness. I've grown to resent a lot about my job that I once loved more than any position I could imagine having or at least at my skill level. So you know those are at least three examples.... and despite even these three that would usually keep me down for longer than necessary for anyone of the human race let alone some one of my age and luck.... I couldn't be happier. I mean loosing those people, nit-picking through the days of my job, and missing the friends that I can't always have around, these things somehow feel RIGHT. They feel like it's what supposed to be happening. My life feels like it fits. Job fits. Job resentments fit. Co-worker friendships fit. Past troubles brushed away fits. Rob (especially) fits. The timing of everything kind of sliding together seems to be good to be true, and I'm starting to learn that sometimes these things do happen. And I'm not saying I expect it be this awesome forever... I expect things to get rough and sucks sometimes again, but I don't know, I have a feeling this is something I'll be able to get back to. As long as SOME of those things just don't change I'll be able to get back tot his and on the days that I can't, the memory will be enough til it returns.

Happiness is a hard concept to swallow.
To just wake up and want to smile because it feels right to be waking up at that hour, with those same grumbles about work, with the same person on the pillow beside you smiling back. I've never had that, and I just can't get enough of it.

Life is good.

I would miss this all too much for it to go away.